i'm in an in between stage, i am indecisive, i have been hurt, i have been loved, i have a let it be way of living, it's the hippy in me. i have too many passions to choose just one to focus on, but i have a secret desire to study photography. animal planet and discovery are what i watch. i say i hate when my phone dies, the truth is, i love it, i feel like i can breath. it constantly rings. the beatles and bob dylan are a part of my everyday life. i enjoy living in the city, but being in the middle of nowhere is the best feeling. fast car by tracy chapman is by far my favorite song ever made. i love johnny cash. i am barefoot every second of my life meaning i have pretty scared up feet. when i smile you can't see my eyes, which is 99.9% of the time. i have more best friends than anyone you will ever meet, most people tell me that they aren't all my best friends, but i disagree every time. i love everyone and everything for the most part, i stay far away from drama, why fight? there's no need.

friends

sick of letting people i love walk all over me. peace out kids. get out of my life if all you’re going to do is hurt me. 

straightoutof:

Ben Susak and Pam Chu in “Burning Room” choreographed by Wade Robson

alone

I am Me. In all the world, there is no one else exactly like me. Everything that comes out of me is authentically mine, because I alone chose it — I own everything about me: my body, my feelings, my mouth, my voice, all my actions, whether they be to others or myself. I own my fantasies, my dreams, my hopes, my fears. I own my triumphs and successes, all my failures and mistakes. Because I own all of me, I can become intimately acquainted with me. By so doing, I can love me and be friendly with all my parts. I know there are aspects about myself that puzzle me, and other aspects that I do not know — but as long as I am friendly and loving to myself, I can courageously and hopefully look for solutions to the puzzles and ways to find out more about me. However I look and sound, whatever I say and do, and whatever I think and feel at a given moment in time is authentically me. If later some parts of how I looked, sounded, thought, and felt turn out to be unfitting, I can discard that which is unfitting, keep the rest, and invent something new for that which I discarded. I can see, hear, feel, think, say, and do. I have the tools to survive, to be close to others, to be productive, and to make sense and order out of the world of people and things outside of me. I own me, and therefore, I can engineer me. I am me, and I am Okay.

love.

love is a weird thing, any kind of love really. because when you love, you are allowing any one person inside of you. inside your heart of course, i knew what all of you were thinking. at least that’s what i was thinking. friends, boyfriends, family. why love if when you do love, you get hurt. every single time. can you name one person that you have loved that hasn’t hurt you? no you can’t. so what is the point? why not run wild, alone? why do you need someone else’s heart in your hands? or for that matter why does your heart need to be in someone else’s hands? if you want your heart to fall, then you drop it. that is why they call it falling. falling in love, because love is someone else catching it. catching your heart, protecting it, but when they do drop it and they always do, you never forget. and the people that are constantly picking up the pieces, that is true love. so why love at all? because the feeling of someone else catching your heart makes it all worth it, and knowing the people that pick up the pieces will always be there is an even better feeling. <3

&#8220;what i want is what i&#8217;ve not got, and what i need is all around me&#8221; 

“what i want is what i’ve not got, and what i need is all around me” 


i want to run wild with the cocktails in the wind

do you ever just want to take a drive, stop at a field with tall grass, wild flowers, and sit. just sit. no shoes, barefoot. in the middle of all the craziness of the world. everything goes still while you are in that single field. until the wind starts to pick up and you spin with the grass and flowers. it is transcendent. like mother earth is inside you. nothing else matters from that day or the day before. you are freed from everyone and everything. and if you died right then and there, you would die the happiest person on the planet. because you are running with him and her. god and mother earth are beside you, laughing with you, protecting you. it is just the three of you. they take over, you are safe. it’s almost as if nothing can touch you. this is when i feel most alive. 

i run from pain, i run from my life

i ran and ran from commitment and this is why. i never dip my feet in to test the water out, i do a full cannon ball, and soon after my heart starts to drown. something has been decided for the most part, the lack of talking explains it all. sometimes there are no more words to be said, which is the case on my side at least. i don’t want to talk to you until you can find the words and explain to me what i did wrong. today is a new day, and it’s summer. its time to turn on the new dave matthews cd and head to the lake. summer days with best friends make life fabulous. 

&#8220;we love to know we aren&#8217;t alone&#8221;

“we love to know we aren’t alone”


breakdown, baby

you know the feeling where everything around you is living, and you are just a fly on the wall with the world spinning around you? where your life as you know it is passing you by without feeling anything it will be gone sooner than later. this is how my life has felt the past few weeks. working everyday 8 to 3, take a nap, shower, go out. get up go to work and repeat. day in and day out. repetition is not my thing if you can’t tell. one person put the color back into my world for awhile, but now its back to the same old same old black and white. maybe a little grey. mostly grey. i don’t know how i feel about him leaving my heart. i’m hurt, i’m relieved, i’m confused, i’m excited, i’m dumbfounded, i’m smiling, but i’m crying on the inside, but no one knows that. see what i am saying? grey area. if you want to be with someone aren’t you just supposed to be with them? it’s as simple as that right? why would you let anything or anyone for that matter ruin something that makes you feel like you could conquer the world with just that one other person. the best feeling in the world can turn fast into the worst feeling, and then there’s that time where you feel nothing at all, that grey period when you don’t know how you’re supposed to feel. this period is killing me slowly. what if life as i knew it ended today? and i still feel nothing. numb. knowing where you stand with someone is often taken for granted. very much so actually, because not knowing could possibly be the one thing i hate the most. if it’s meant to be then it will be right? but is that giving up? i am not a fighter, but fighting for someone that you could very possibly love later.. is that different? you don’t know if you will love them, should you take the chance or play it safe. i am the risk taker, the problem is, he isn’t. he isn’t a fighter, neither am i, i suppose, but the difference is i still would have. so it is a one sided fight, and he still wins. so until something is decided, i am stuck in one of the darkest grey areas i have ever been in.